Trigger warning: Josh Duggar case, child sexual abuse/child pornography, and religious abuse.

I have been having a lot of thoughts and emotions reemerge lately. The latest headlines about Josh Duggar have brought so many memories back to me. And I see a lot of people commenting. How was Josh let out on bail? Why does Anna stay with him? Why is Josh being enabled the way he is?

Let me tell you part of my story.

I wasn’t raised in the same form of Christianity that Josh and Anna were raised in, but I was raised in fundamental Christianity. While what they were taught and indoctrinated with was more extreme than what I was, I was still taught the same core values. The church was everything. The Bible had the final say. The church had your best interests at heart and was where you should always turn first.

Or so I was taught.

When I was still in high school, I found child pornography on the shared computer I had with my father. The file names were graphic, and horrific. I will confirm that the titles are similar to the content that Duggar possessed. I was young. I was scared. And so I went to my youth pastor.

The youth pastor tried to convince me not to go to the police, and to instead confront my father. I refused and insisted I was still going to go to the police. He brought in the senior pastor to also convince me to confront him instead of seeking legal aid. Again, I refused.

We asked the church for help in keeping me safe while we worked with the police. They refused. Ultimately, they helped my father get off on a plea bargain. They offered him help, support, and aid. They offered me nothing.

My case wasn’t as high profile as the Duggar case. I can’t speak to the specifics as to the files Josh possessed and the files that my father possessed. But from what I read in the descriptions, they were similar in nature. We were both raised in Evangelical Christianity.

Anna doesn’t really have the choice to leave. I lost almost everything when I moved out of my father’s house and left his church. But as the youngest child, I had no one I had to stick around to protect. If I had a younger sibling? I probably would have stayed because abuse directed toward me would have been preferable to abuse directed toward my hypothetical sibling.

Anna’s been taught her entire life that her feelings and her opinions don’t matter. She’s been taught that her husband is her headship, and has the ultimate power. She’s been taught that it’s her fault that Josh possesses those files, because she wasn’t living up to his standards. The Duggars would do everything in their power to keep her children from her if she left. And she would lose everything she’s ever known.

It was terrifying to lose everything when I was 18, but at that point in my life even though I lost most of my friends, I lost my church, and I lost most of my support groups. But I didn’t have as much to lose as Anna does. And I had the resources to rebuild.

It’s been a long time since I was 18. I’ve come a long way since I was 18. I am not the same person I was when I was 18. But I still remember. I remember how my faith in the church was completely shattered overnight. I remember how everything I knew, everything I was taught, was ripped away from me. I remember how my entire life changed. And I remember how he got away with it.

I feel nothing but compassion for Anna. My heart breaks for her. She’s a victim. While yes, one of her brothers offered to help her leave, just leaving isn’t that simple. Just getting out isn’t that simple. When you grow up in a system that’s designed to keep you trapped, it isn’t as easy as leaving. I am one of the lucky ones.

Do I think Anna should just get the hell out? Absolutely. But do I also think she’s trapped? Absolutely. It’s a horrible situation, in a circumstance built to keep folks trapped. I hope she’s able to see that there’s another side. I hope she’s able to keep those precious children safe. I hope she knows that Josh didn’t develop this vile addiction because she failed him because she absolutely did not.

The fundamental church has a lot to be held accountable for. My story isn’t unique and there are others like it. There are so many other stories out there like mine and Anna’s, and we are all a part of a community we never signed up for and never wanted to join. I just hope that eventually, Anna can find the same hope and healing I did.