Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?
I find myself looking at the screen, willing my fingers to dance across the keys. I find myself filled with words and emotions, desperately trying to free them from myself. I find myself being overwhelmed by everything. I find the too much simply BECOMING too much, and wanting it to be less much. I find myself trapped behind walls I built for myself and I don’t know how to brings those walls come tumbling down.
There are so many emotions I feel bubbling up inside me. And I feel like I let them define who I am. I feel like they become the filter I view the world through and that they taint every interaction I have. I try to hide the pain. I try to hide the fear. I try so desperately to throw up the walls and push out the world.
Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
Maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay
’Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand
I don’t know what it’s like to not be depressed. I have no clue what it would be like to not be anxious. So many people talk about having a before and after anxiety. They talk about life before depression and before trauma. Me? I don’t have that. I’ve never known what it’s like to be healthy. I feel like I’m trapped in a world that I wasn’t prepared for. I feel like I’m in the midst of a planet where I simply wasn’t taught how to cope.
I often find myself wishing things could be different. I find myself not relating to people saying they wish they could return to childhood, because I never want to be in that position again. My psychiatric disabilities started as a child. I don’t know how to return to a prior level of functioning when that literally doesn’t exist.
And so, I find myself in the darkness once again. I am desperately searching for the light. I find myself desperate for the peace and comfort that I’ve never known. I find myself trapped inside a prison where I’m both the bailiff and the prisoner.
Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
And when you’re broken on the ground
You will be found
I find myself scared to hold out of hand, in case someone might actually take it. I find myself further trapping myself because I don’t know how to set myself free. I find myself desperately wanting to be found, but at the same time I try to keep hidden. I find myself not knowing how to be found, and like I’m completely lost.
But I find myself slowly learning to trust. I find myself trying to tear down the walls. I find myself letting people help me pick myself up on the ground. My lifelong depression isn’t a flaw in my character. The anxiety dancing through my brain isn’t because I’m broken. It’s merely a side effect of being a human and it’s a part of existing.
And yes, I will be found. I will build a new me, carefully crafted from both the good and the bad. Just because I don’t have a prior Nora to return to doesn’t mean that a new Nora cannot be crafted. I can take the pain, the heartache, the anxiety and turn it into who I want to be.
So let the sun come streaming in
’Cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again
Lift your head and look around
You will be found Lyrics from “You Will Be Found” from the musical Dear Evan Hanson
I may be broken, but it doesn’t mean I’m hopeless. I may be struggling, but it doesn’t mean I will always be. I may be scared to hope, but it doesn’t mean hoping is futile. There’s strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow. The ones who care for me are there to lift me up. And I will be found.
Originally published at http://fullmetalheart.com on March 16, 2019.
